I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
