its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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