i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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