I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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