He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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