she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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