My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
