I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
