I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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