She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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