I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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