headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Can I color on your dick again?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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