____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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