mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
