Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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