Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
