i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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