Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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