You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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