LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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