Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize