Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
