just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
