We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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