I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
