Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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