I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
