Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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