is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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