Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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