So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
