Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize