I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
