A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
