so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize