Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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