I think i peed on brittanys purse
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize