toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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