My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
