I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
