she is the kim kardashian of front butts
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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