A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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