:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
