Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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