Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
