I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize