in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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