Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
