at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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