Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
