now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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