Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
