New low: just hacked my moms facebook
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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