I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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