Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
