From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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