Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
