I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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