Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
