Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's rum buckets o'clock
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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