he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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