**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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